Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Life is moving too quickly and I am growing tired...

It just amazes me how fast things have happened around my life in the past year or so.  My sister and I are getting along and more "connected" and she has been living in my town for over a year now.  It's official, so we had a nice lunch together to celebrate "finally" for having more "stability" in her life, probably the most stability she's had in many many many years.

Since this large apartment complex that I have lived in (it's been over two years now hurray the longest time ever that I've been able to live and stay in one place in the last 15 years since my divorce!!) used to be a retirement apartment living complex, well, how do I put this without being too blunt? Okay, I'll just say many people have died here in the last 7 months or so I have lost count.  It's all very sad and has been hard for me.  I know these people had been living here for a much longer time, as these apartments have only been part of the county housing authority in the last 3 years or so.  But I knew them all and many of them were dear friends.  It's sad to know that many that have been living here for so long, died in their apartments without anyone knowing for a few days or even longer, that they had died.  Because they had no family or "no family that really cared" about them to even worry or know that they had passed on....and this is something that hits close to home with me also.  I've lived by myself for so long now and not seen any family members (other than my sister in the past year) in over 25 years or so.  It doesn't seem to matter to any of them.

I had finally agreed with my sister that since we don't know how long my Father is going to be around (he's a stubborn one so I expect he will not pass on for some time we will see) so we had planned a train trip down to southern California to at least make some kind of "contact". We had planned on sharing a motel together for one nite as we know that my mother and father would not be comfortable with us staying with them. Turns out we were right on there!  Not only that, when my sister called them and told them of our plan to come down there, my parents totally freaked out and said "no"!!   It's funny, as on her way to come live here, my sister had someone drop her by my parents for an hour or so.  They had planned it and said "okay" to her. I know it wasn't easy for my sister to deal with my parents just in that hour or so at their house, trying to "converse" so to speak.  So, I am assuming or my "gut feeling" is that my mother and father would not be able to handle seeing me as I would only remind them of  "THINGS" if you know what I mean?  Yeah, I am the black sheep I guess you could say.  But you know most black sheep in a family are usually the ones that "speak up" and don't lie about whats really going on and they try and do something about "situations" and spoke I did, and I am sure that they would not be comfortable with me at all.  Guilt shame, seeing me would make them feel "very uncomfortable" and no it's not just me knowing this, it's years of therapy and different therapist saying the same I knew and I  "know"...but it's weird I am now not so hurt or angry about it anymore...the fact that my parents "uncomfortableness" is more important to them than seeing the one daughter they had not seen in over 25 years.  I have come to a better understanding about forgiveness and we do not have the power to change anyone(other than ourselves) or the way things have been for so long in a family.

I admit it hurts to have never felt cared about whether I lived or died from most of my immediate family, but I do know there are many out there just like's more common than "not" these sad.  Some families are so dysfunctional and "were" as we grew up and lived in this really crazy messed up family....our mom and dad that is...not really feeling wanted and that we were "in their way" so we basically worked as kids and did all of the household work, the mowing of the lawns, cooking most of the dinners, doing all the "stuff" that moms and dads usually do, we 3 young girl kids did that, as he always said he "had a bad back", walking down to the gas station at the age of 5 or so with a jug for gasoline, then walk back home, put it in the mower and "start her up" and my dad would sit in his patio chair out in the front and back yard and watch.  My mother was always either at "church" giving gifts to the kids all there and none for us...oh none of the kids at church could ever do any "wrong" she always said..went on and on about them and told us what sinners we were...turns out more than 2/3 of those "perfect kids" ended up in jail, prison, or drug addicts, and or are dead by their own hands or someone else.....her life was her church..not us...either that or she was always in mom and dads bedroom for weeks at a time..having another of her "nervous breakdowns"...we wouldn't see her for weeks, while she lay in bed...while we did everything..made dinners, took care of all the "stuff" while dad was at work.  And we had to be very "quiet" said while mother was "ill"...

My dad finally "caved" in to the radical religous stuff as my mother just never stopped yelling at him about it, it went on for years.  So sad because I know deep down he's still a democrat at heart he just can't ever express that to my mother "ever" anymore. So there he is in this very fundamental dogma religion that has been passed down for centuries from my mothers side of the family.  He is a tormented man. My poor mother.  I know why you treated me the worse of us kids mom...I get it now, that in a way I was "you" when you were little and your  mother was "preaching hell and damnation" at you just like you did me...but I would not let you make me "be" someone who I was not...I hated church it made me sick to my stomach..but you would beat me, if I said I didn't want to I had many beatings...ah the same ole patterns of families...but I stopped that pattern, I stopped "the cycle" and that's a lot of why they don't want anything to do with me....I know  I am the only family member that did break the cycle.

My sister is working on herself and trying to find a "better more kind religion".   I share with her it's her life it's up to her to feel what she wants and make her own decisions about all that...she is an adult and has been for a long time...she doesn't need to "please" them or be what she thinks they want her to be..we all should try to respect and accept our's called "diversity"....that's been part of her problem for a long time she shared with me...the "pressure" as she called it.

It is funny how my sister is so very very different than me in that regard..well I am the middle sister and she is the youngest so my mother calls her twice a week to check on her now and she calls me when? Never...well maybe once a few months after my sister arrived here in town...after so many many years of "nothing" I must admit it was a very uncomfortable phone call and very short and when my mother said "I'll put your father on"....and I am saying loudly to her into my phone "Mother, no please mother no don't do this, no"! was too darn late...same ole voice same ole attitude....I handled it well I think...I really do...and I think he was pretty impressed with my maturity I guess you could say.  Well what the heck would you expect from the one daughter you never cared about once she was an adult and living her own life without any family?  Yes, I know dad that "you know' that I am a "Survivor" because I know that "you know" if I wasn't a "survivor" that I would have been dead long ago by now.  No "back up" no one had got "my back" (oh poor Sandra Bullock, believe me I am so sorry, the betrayal just hurts so bad doesn't it, I know, my heart goes out to you when that happened to you) and having PTSD all these years some how I made it.

People here my friends now who have gotten to know me....keep asking "how did you make it this far how did you survive without anyone there to help in any way, no  "back up" no one that you knew you could ever call in an emergency, no one"!! I kind of give a sad smile and look at them and say "this is why I have PTSD and no matter how hard I try it never seems to go away"..they found it in my MRI also...I had not realized they could do this until they found the "changes" in my brain in my MRI, along with the brain lesions I have.....but I am "the actress" out in the "outer world" as I have to look as if I know what I am doing (when often I don't)  and take care of "business" and now my poor sister.  I really really hated letting her in on the "big secret"...about how "being the actress" in the world when you take care of things or are threatened by the landlord when you ask to have things fixed or people try and rip you off because you are a woman on her own...or try and take advantage of you...women and men...not just men ladies...women play the game too...women try and scare and intimidate you too...especially if they decide they don't like that you are slim or look a little young for your age...oh I could go on about that but I won't....I never had many women friends in my entire adult life...and once I finally figured out why it hurt real bad...ouch! But you accept it and go on and never "let them see you sweat" or "else"..see, teaching my sister this was hard.  I didn't want her to see that the world can really be mean...but I know she already knows this after all the horrific things that have happened to her also since an adult...but being a recovering addict, she is different than me in that way.  I somehow did not get the "gene" for that and feel blessed for this.  So, I ask my sister "how come you never learned how to do this or handle that or be "the actress" in order to survive"? She shrugs her shoulders and says "I was too busy being an addict and people bailing me out"....I knew this to be true..I told her that I felt that I was always being punished for trying to do the right thing, not lowering myself to someone threatening me screaming at me trying to scare me intimidate me, because I knew if I did they would know that "they got to me' and they would "win"'s a sick ego thing...I learned from a book called "nasty people that intimidate and why they do it"....they call them "little Hitlers"...well I hate to say it but there are many around these the towns where we live in the places we work, in the places we rent (landlords usually men who threaten to kick you out if you ask something to be repaired or fixed, they call these type landlords here in the U.S. "slum landlords" who take advantage of and only rent to single or divorced or widowed women.

My sister says she has learned a lot from me....probably a lot she would prefer not to "know or learn" but it has helped her to "cope in the world" she witness's it and now she is "sober" and now she is "hearing and seeing me" and now she is getting to know all the things I have gone through alone...she keeps saying "honestly I didn't know no one ever talked about you all these years"....okey dokey..not surprised. Apparently she says that she has been "trying" to share with my mom and dad all the "stuff" I've gone through in order to survive to live all these years...I told her best to not do would only make things worse..and besides I told her..."I think in their heart and gut they already know" please dear sister "let it go"..for my sake....

Well, anyway a lot of people are dying here at the apartment complex and it's just too many friends and too much to take all fast..and the more I witness how they find them dead in their apartments, with no relatives or anyone around that cares or it's just "too late" I know many of them should have been put in care facilities as these are apartment runs by the county housing authority now and maybe if they had gotten into a care facility and someone helped make that happen or they weren't so stubborn...maybe they would have lived longer just hits to close to home...not wanting to die alone, it would be nice to know that someone might be there that actually cares and checks in on you from time to time. I know it sounds bizarre but for some reason it makes me feel good to know that I am there for my sister, and she knows that I can "take care of business like no one knows" even if do have my serious health comes from adrenaline and the "survival instincts" so the Drs. keep telling me over and over....yeah okay, sister is not alone and she knows that and I know that it's something very important for her to know and for my mother and father to know...I somehow feel an "obligation" to be there for her as I always have said to myself through the years "no ones been there for you and you must try and help some women that are not that knowledgeable so they will learn how to take care of themselves on their's not easy  I know...but maybe that's why they called me the one time after my sister came here...they know what I am doing is the right thing to do...and it's eerie but my sister told me they said they "highly  respected me" and don't know how I got through all these years....well life is what it is...and life is times I just shake my head and wonder "will I ever be able to have a continual feeling of peace in my life and acceptance from someone, or will it always be like this"?....because you know I am just so tired..and I am told so are my adrenals...along with other body parts!

My life...if only you knew....don't' worry in between the "things to constantly do" and "take care of" I try to rest in between, put a little note on my door, "please do not disturb I'm resting, thank you"...all my friends here understand and "know" a matter of fact a few of them here told me it helped them to make "their little "do not disturb I'm resting today" on their apartment doors also...he sister said "your a leader figure" I looked at her and laughed and sighed and said "Oh God forbid please no"!.....:o(

Blessing to all my blog friends...sorry I don't blog much these days..there is just too much going on and in between (yeah you got it) I "rest"!...sleep up to 11 hours sometimes and it does actually help...

May the dear Angels watch over all my dear friends that have passed on this year here in these younger people are moving in and things are getting interesting...oh and just so you'll know, I run into my "former" BF from time to time here in the apartments and we now can have "casual" polite little conversations...but it's still weird....I can see in his eyes that he misses me and and whenever he sees me he makes a beeline in my direction...but it's up to him if he ever wants to apologize or bring anything up and talk "for real" to me....because he knows I told him in the past "feel free anytime you want to "really" talk about our "issues"..."I'm open to it and he knows where I live....ha ha..he's a stubborn one and I've tried and tried so it's up to him...but what he will need is the courage and dang if I don't seem to have more of that then he does..and that's the last thing I need in a man...the lack of courage and me always having to be "the strong one"....never going to find or meet a man at this point in my life that is willing to be the "strong one' once in a great while! Guts to really communicate and work things out...not all up to me...I'm to speak.