Saturday, June 29, 2013

Cher..Haven't Seen The Last Of Me....these lyrics speak for me...

I have no little sister...I disown her. I finally "Hopefully" learned from my mistakes this time, never, again!

Once I realized that I had lost my "Dream weaving of Hope" in the last year and a half, and how and "why" that happened, something just recently changed in my life to make a big difference. This had to happen, this had to "change", or I wasn't going to get through life much longer.   It finally happened. I did all I could to not give up. I felt as if everything good in my life had been taken away from me by "her".  I didn't necessarily let this happen.  It just happened.  I even tried many times, to stop it from happening, with everything in me. But to no avail.   I do not have control over what "she does".  But I got through it, and now I am actually able to sleep and getting more sleep through the night, and my mind is getting more "clear", and I feel now I will slowly be able to find "myself" and the "parts of me I lost", once again.  The "Creative and good parts of me" are slowly coming back.  My hopes my dreams. I've been told, it's going to take me some time. Things like what I went through do not just "Go away" just like that. 

I will not let her destroy me. She tried, but I held on, and many times I cried out loud "God help me, I can't bear it any longer"! It seemed endless, "daily and nightly".

They say "what goes around comes around", eventually. Sometimes it just takes much longer than you had hoped for. Once again another "survival story" from me.  Yes, it's true. Will I ever be the same? No...I don't want to be "the same"...I have changed and hopefully learned form this huge lesson.  Of how a blood relative, (your own sister) can sometimes be the cruelest of all.  You try to forgive them as they keep trying to destroy you. Their narcissism  and pathological lies eventually catch up with them. This "pattern' will not change. Her time is coming. And all will fall all around her, and when she turns or ask for help, I will say "no more, never again"! You make your own bed, you lie in it and face the consequences.

But it really hurts, knowing that you tried to really help them to be there for them, to help them learn to "grow up" for once in their life. And they decided to "go back" to their "old ways" once again. Which really basically means that they never really changed. She can never be alone, she will never face her fears. She will continue to use people for her own selfish needs. I thought I saw her start to "learn to grow to change" but I realize now, this was her own decision to go backwards once again. And I will not let her take me down with her.  I find myself of late, now holding my head up more higher and my feet are firmly planted on the ground. My Mother and older sister are with me on this, I am not alone in what we all had to face with the strength for us to say to my younger sister "No, no more, we are  done with you, and you've made your own life choices and the consequences of them are up to you, you're on your own from now on, we will never help you again".  You are like the "female version" of the "boy that cried wolf" one too many times. Throughout your whole adult life. Enough!

To my younger sister, I say to you "Don't expect me to change my mind, you have proven (time and time again) that you will never change and after all I did to help you, as I struggled with my own life, how dare you try to take advantage of me once again.  And to even try to punish me (to get back at me and lie to others) when I walked away and said "no more" also!  What you benefited from, all this time, I suffered the consequences from for more than a year!  You knew it and you could care less. You are twisted, you are beyond help.  Everything is "always" about you and no one else. One year and two months you continued to do this to me! You are no longer "my sister".  I do not have a younger sister. She does not "exist". You may still be rewarded now for your "evil lies" and bad behavior,  your taking advantage of "the system" and people for your own selfish needs, but I now feel it will catch up with you "soon" as it always has.

You never even tried to follow our Fathers dying wishes, that he made known to you. You didn't even care that he died. You were happy that he died.  You will never apologize, of all the hurts you caused in our family. for over 30 years now.  I have no hope for you.  You are a lost cost and though you are just living down the hallway from me, I say to you sister, "you can't touch me".  I am "safe" and protected from you by a  higher power and my guardian angels. And one of those guardian angels watching over me, to protect me from "you" is our Father.

Hopefully, when it comes to you, sister, I will no longer make "the same mistakes" I made one to many times, with you. I am "free" of you.  You reap what you sew.  Probably more jail or prison time for you "again" down the road, once they "catch you in your lies".  This is nothing new, your past criminal record on top of all of what you are doing now illegally. Sometimes in life, we have to learn the hard way from "repeated" mistakes that we make over and over, until we finally "get it".  I think I've reached the point where I finally "get it"!  I had to learn the hard way (once again) but this last mistake with you was my "biggest mistake" with you. I had to deal with and face those consequences for over a year now. But now I am moving past it.  I feel more "free" now, free from you and your heartless self centered ways. 

"Take your leave". You are a lost cause, of which I will have nothing further to say, or to do, with you, ever again. Good bye...