Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Life is moving too quickly and I am growing tired...

It just amazes me how fast things have happened around my life in the past year or so.  My sister and I are getting along and more "connected" and she has been living in my town for over a year now.  It's official, so we had a nice lunch together to celebrate "finally" for having more "stability" in her life, probably the most stability she's had in many many many years.

Since this large apartment complex that I have lived in (it's been over two years now hurray the longest time ever that I've been able to live and stay in one place in the last 15 years since my divorce!!) used to be a retirement apartment living complex, well, how do I put this without being too blunt? Okay, I'll just say many people have died here in the last 7 months or so I have lost count.  It's all very sad and has been hard for me.  I know these people had been living here for a much longer time, as these apartments have only been part of the county housing authority in the last 3 years or so.  But I knew them all and many of them were dear friends.  It's sad to know that many that have been living here for so long, died in their apartments without anyone knowing for a few days or even longer, that they had died.  Because they had no family or "no family that really cared" about them to even worry or know that they had passed on....and this is something that hits close to home with me also.  I've lived by myself for so long now and not seen any family members (other than my sister in the past year) in over 25 years or so.  It doesn't seem to matter to any of them.

I had finally agreed with my sister that since we don't know how long my Father is going to be around (he's a stubborn one so I expect he will not pass on for some time we will see) so we had planned a train trip down to southern California to at least make some kind of "contact". We had planned on sharing a motel together for one nite as we know that my mother and father would not be comfortable with us staying with them. Turns out we were right on there!  Not only that, when my sister called them and told them of our plan to come down there, my parents totally freaked out and said "no"!!   It's funny, as on her way to come live here, my sister had someone drop her by my parents for an hour or so.  They had planned it and said "okay" to her. I know it wasn't easy for my sister to deal with my parents just in that hour or so at their house, trying to "converse" so to speak.  So, I am assuming or my "gut feeling" is that my mother and father would not be able to handle seeing me as I would only remind them of  "THINGS" if you know what I mean?  Yeah, I am the black sheep I guess you could say.  But you know most black sheep in a family are usually the ones that "speak up" and don't lie about whats really going on and they try and do something about "situations" and spoke I did, and I am sure that they would not be comfortable with me at all.  Guilt shame, seeing me would make them feel "very uncomfortable" and no it's not just me knowing this, it's years of therapy and different therapist saying the same I knew and I  "know"...but it's weird I am now not so hurt or angry about it anymore...the fact that my parents "uncomfortableness" is more important to them than seeing the one daughter they had not seen in over 25 years.  I have come to a better understanding about forgiveness and we do not have the power to change anyone(other than ourselves) or the way things have been for so long in a family.

I admit it hurts to have never felt cared about whether I lived or died from most of my immediate family, but I do know there are many out there just like's more common than "not" these sad.  Some families are so dysfunctional and "were" as we grew up and lived in this really crazy messed up family....our mom and dad that is...not really feeling wanted and that we were "in their way" so we basically worked as kids and did all of the household work, the mowing of the lawns, cooking most of the dinners, doing all the "stuff" that moms and dads usually do, we 3 young girl kids did that, as he always said he "had a bad back", walking down to the gas station at the age of 5 or so with a jug for gasoline, then walk back home, put it in the mower and "start her up" and my dad would sit in his patio chair out in the front and back yard and watch.  My mother was always either at "church" giving gifts to the kids all there and none for us...oh none of the kids at church could ever do any "wrong" she always said..went on and on about them and told us what sinners we were...turns out more than 2/3 of those "perfect kids" ended up in jail, prison, or drug addicts, and or are dead by their own hands or someone else.....her life was her church..not us...either that or she was always in mom and dads bedroom for weeks at a time..having another of her "nervous breakdowns"...we wouldn't see her for weeks, while she lay in bed...while we did everything..made dinners, took care of all the "stuff" while dad was at work.  And we had to be very "quiet" said while mother was "ill"...

My dad finally "caved" in to the radical religous stuff as my mother just never stopped yelling at him about it, it went on for years.  So sad because I know deep down he's still a democrat at heart he just can't ever express that to my mother "ever" anymore. So there he is in this very fundamental dogma religion that has been passed down for centuries from my mothers side of the family.  He is a tormented man. My poor mother.  I know why you treated me the worse of us kids mom...I get it now, that in a way I was "you" when you were little and your  mother was "preaching hell and damnation" at you just like you did me...but I would not let you make me "be" someone who I was not...I hated church it made me sick to my stomach..but you would beat me, if I said I didn't want to I had many beatings...ah the same ole patterns of families...but I stopped that pattern, I stopped "the cycle" and that's a lot of why they don't want anything to do with me....I know  I am the only family member that did break the cycle.

My sister is working on herself and trying to find a "better more kind religion".   I share with her it's her life it's up to her to feel what she wants and make her own decisions about all that...she is an adult and has been for a long time...she doesn't need to "please" them or be what she thinks they want her to be..we all should try to respect and accept our's called "diversity"....that's been part of her problem for a long time she shared with me...the "pressure" as she called it.

It is funny how my sister is so very very different than me in that regard..well I am the middle sister and she is the youngest so my mother calls her twice a week to check on her now and she calls me when? Never...well maybe once a few months after my sister arrived here in town...after so many many years of "nothing" I must admit it was a very uncomfortable phone call and very short and when my mother said "I'll put your father on"....and I am saying loudly to her into my phone "Mother, no please mother no don't do this, no"! was too darn late...same ole voice same ole attitude....I handled it well I think...I really do...and I think he was pretty impressed with my maturity I guess you could say.  Well what the heck would you expect from the one daughter you never cared about once she was an adult and living her own life without any family?  Yes, I know dad that "you know' that I am a "Survivor" because I know that "you know" if I wasn't a "survivor" that I would have been dead long ago by now.  No "back up" no one had got "my back" (oh poor Sandra Bullock, believe me I am so sorry, the betrayal just hurts so bad doesn't it, I know, my heart goes out to you when that happened to you) and having PTSD all these years some how I made it.

People here my friends now who have gotten to know me....keep asking "how did you make it this far how did you survive without anyone there to help in any way, no  "back up" no one that you knew you could ever call in an emergency, no one"!! I kind of give a sad smile and look at them and say "this is why I have PTSD and no matter how hard I try it never seems to go away"..they found it in my MRI also...I had not realized they could do this until they found the "changes" in my brain in my MRI, along with the brain lesions I have.....but I am "the actress" out in the "outer world" as I have to look as if I know what I am doing (when often I don't)  and take care of "business" and now my poor sister.  I really really hated letting her in on the "big secret"...about how "being the actress" in the world when you take care of things or are threatened by the landlord when you ask to have things fixed or people try and rip you off because you are a woman on her own...or try and take advantage of you...women and men...not just men ladies...women play the game too...women try and scare and intimidate you too...especially if they decide they don't like that you are slim or look a little young for your age...oh I could go on about that but I won't....I never had many women friends in my entire adult life...and once I finally figured out why it hurt real bad...ouch! But you accept it and go on and never "let them see you sweat" or "else"..see, teaching my sister this was hard.  I didn't want her to see that the world can really be mean...but I know she already knows this after all the horrific things that have happened to her also since an adult...but being a recovering addict, she is different than me in that way.  I somehow did not get the "gene" for that and feel blessed for this.  So, I ask my sister "how come you never learned how to do this or handle that or be "the actress" in order to survive"? She shrugs her shoulders and says "I was too busy being an addict and people bailing me out"....I knew this to be true..I told her that I felt that I was always being punished for trying to do the right thing, not lowering myself to someone threatening me screaming at me trying to scare me intimidate me, because I knew if I did they would know that "they got to me' and they would "win"'s a sick ego thing...I learned from a book called "nasty people that intimidate and why they do it"....they call them "little Hitlers"...well I hate to say it but there are many around these the towns where we live in the places we work, in the places we rent (landlords usually men who threaten to kick you out if you ask something to be repaired or fixed, they call these type landlords here in the U.S. "slum landlords" who take advantage of and only rent to single or divorced or widowed women.

My sister says she has learned a lot from me....probably a lot she would prefer not to "know or learn" but it has helped her to "cope in the world" she witness's it and now she is "sober" and now she is "hearing and seeing me" and now she is getting to know all the things I have gone through alone...she keeps saying "honestly I didn't know no one ever talked about you all these years"....okey dokey..not surprised. Apparently she says that she has been "trying" to share with my mom and dad all the "stuff" I've gone through in order to survive to live all these years...I told her best to not do would only make things worse..and besides I told her..."I think in their heart and gut they already know" please dear sister "let it go"..for my sake....

Well, anyway a lot of people are dying here at the apartment complex and it's just too many friends and too much to take all fast..and the more I witness how they find them dead in their apartments, with no relatives or anyone around that cares or it's just "too late" I know many of them should have been put in care facilities as these are apartment runs by the county housing authority now and maybe if they had gotten into a care facility and someone helped make that happen or they weren't so stubborn...maybe they would have lived longer just hits to close to home...not wanting to die alone, it would be nice to know that someone might be there that actually cares and checks in on you from time to time. I know it sounds bizarre but for some reason it makes me feel good to know that I am there for my sister, and she knows that I can "take care of business like no one knows" even if do have my serious health comes from adrenaline and the "survival instincts" so the Drs. keep telling me over and over....yeah okay, sister is not alone and she knows that and I know that it's something very important for her to know and for my mother and father to know...I somehow feel an "obligation" to be there for her as I always have said to myself through the years "no ones been there for you and you must try and help some women that are not that knowledgeable so they will learn how to take care of themselves on their's not easy  I know...but maybe that's why they called me the one time after my sister came here...they know what I am doing is the right thing to do...and it's eerie but my sister told me they said they "highly  respected me" and don't know how I got through all these years....well life is what it is...and life is times I just shake my head and wonder "will I ever be able to have a continual feeling of peace in my life and acceptance from someone, or will it always be like this"?....because you know I am just so tired..and I am told so are my adrenals...along with other body parts!

My life...if only you knew....don't' worry in between the "things to constantly do" and "take care of" I try to rest in between, put a little note on my door, "please do not disturb I'm resting, thank you"...all my friends here understand and "know" a matter of fact a few of them here told me it helped them to make "their little "do not disturb I'm resting today" on their apartment doors also...he sister said "your a leader figure" I looked at her and laughed and sighed and said "Oh God forbid please no"!.....:o(

Blessing to all my blog friends...sorry I don't blog much these days..there is just too much going on and in between (yeah you got it) I "rest"!...sleep up to 11 hours sometimes and it does actually help...

May the dear Angels watch over all my dear friends that have passed on this year here in these younger people are moving in and things are getting interesting...oh and just so you'll know, I run into my "former" BF from time to time here in the apartments and we now can have "casual" polite little conversations...but it's still weird....I can see in his eyes that he misses me and and whenever he sees me he makes a beeline in my direction...but it's up to him if he ever wants to apologize or bring anything up and talk "for real" to me....because he knows I told him in the past "feel free anytime you want to "really" talk about our "issues"..."I'm open to it and he knows where I live....ha ha..he's a stubborn one and I've tried and tried so it's up to him...but what he will need is the courage and dang if I don't seem to have more of that then he does..and that's the last thing I need in a man...the lack of courage and me always having to be "the strong one"....never going to find or meet a man at this point in my life that is willing to be the "strong one' once in a great while! Guts to really communicate and work things out...not all up to me...I'm to speak.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

My Good bye to our's totally and officially over. You played me

And Jewel's lyrics here hit me that this is just the way you made me feel.  But I'm free now and moving on. I am happy to just be with "me" and who I really am, then not be able to be myself around you...

I said good-bye and told you why....hopefully down the road we can forget the pain and the past of what happen and be friends one I"m more happy believe it or more of you controlling me.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

To all my brothers and sisters in Egypt. You are so brave to stand tall and demonstrate peacefully the best you can.

I'm thinking of you all as you journey to changing your country for the better.  Brave Souls and Hearts I send peace and courage your way.  Do not lose hope....for hope is always eternal......stand tall stand tall.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

2011 Chinese New Year of the Metal Rabbit.....starting Feb. 3rd

The Metal Rabbit is more tenacious and has more inner strength than the other element Rabbits.  The last Chinese New Year of the Metal Rabbit was Feb. 6th, 1951, which was the year I was born!  Which was quite some time ago.  So,  I see this as a great chance for huge "positive" changes.  Often, as you know,  the world and most of us humans end up growing by the most difficult lessons and experiences in our lives and throughout the world in history.  It does seem to take those HUGE lessons to be repeated to us and (in the world)  over and over again...until finally we begin to grow and often seem to have a "rebirth" of understanding through these  ongoing "wake up" calls.   So even though some do not feel that way about the world and life in general,  I often do look at the most difficult times and those "HUGE" lessons as rare gifts that  have been given to us. We may not look at it that way in the "moment of the lessons" but only afterwards as time goes on.

What to Expect for the 2011 Year of the Metal Rabbit.

Rabbits like Peace and aren't aggressors, so the year 2011 should bring a reduction in the violence around the world.  Hang on because the Chinese New Year of the Metal Rabbit will not begin until the second new moon of the New year,  which is on February 3rd!   The Metal Rabbit Chinese New Year will end on Jan. 22nd 2011.  So don't give up hope yet!  Many of the restrictions of the past few years will be lifted.  2011 should be a much more calm and even-keel year.

Each Chinese new year animal will be affected differently.  Those who've stood on the sidelines will  join in "Projects" or causes.  Friendliness and a general feeling of "Peace" will replace anger and fear.   Conflicts normally resolved by violence will be resolved by discussions.   This is a long time coming but is the prediction for the Chinese New Year of the Rabbit.

Family values and social graces will return to the social forefront and you'll value family and friends more than you have in the past. 

The five element states that metal destroys wood.   For the year 2011,  that means the metal year will weaken the wood element.   Other elements will benefit from the metal year.  For example ,  if you are a water rabbit with a weak water element , 2011 will be a great year for you.  The metal will draw more water to you to strengthen you.

Hippity hop onwards!...:o)

Love and Blessings to all,


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Still pondering why continuing tax cuts for the rich?

Did you know that the only people who will actually be paying more in tax increases are people earning $20,000 or less? Since they passed the "ongoing tax cuts from the Bush era" and voted for continuing tax cuts for the rich also.  I am just trying to understand why is this? Surely it wouldn't hurt the rich too much to pay a little bit more in taxes to help the economy and put  more funds into the economy? Maybe the rich having to pay a bit more in taxes would help at least a "little bit" for all the billions and billions of dollars we have spent on the two wars for the last 9 years?? Surely this would make sense to some???? Surely they would not grieve or lose too much if the really rich lost one of their houses out of the 4 or 5 or 8 they already have? I am  so confused and everything of late seems so backwards.

While many senior citizens on social security as their only income and also people on social security due to disabilities have not gotten any COLA (cost of living increase) in the last two years due to as the letter from Social security administration states "there has been no cost of living expenses" in the last two years!!!????......hmmm.   Every time I go to the store I have watched the prices of basic foods go up so high and the gas prices sky high and going up again for this year.  The power company here in Southern Oregon increased our monthly electric bill for everyone by $9.00 a month and it started showing in our monthly bills last month. So, certain politicians refused to vote ongoing tax cuts for people under $250,000,  until people earning over $250,000 (and up to a millions dollars) also got the tax cut.  Was this needed? Are the rich really suffering if they didn't get the tax cuts too?  Now, for people like me....we've been told "no increase in cost of living" .....and I've got to tell you this is so backwards.  I just don't get it! Because if things continue as they are and the rich always want a tax break but give many people like me "no cost of living increase" not even 10 or 20 dollars more a month or maybe the one time in one year $250.00 check to help us out a bit and the GOP keeps saying "no" to that????....but they want more ongoing continuing tax cuts for the rich...then where are we going here? This is insane!!!

I don't agree with the way Bush started these ongoing tax cuts for the rich way back when was supposed to only a temporary thing...surely at times some in this country will have to pay a bit more in taxes to help the economy to become more strong and fluid...constant tax breaks for the rich will not solve a thing but to continue down the slow road of this economy.  It does seem that the GOP's insistence on ongoing tax breaks for the rich is part of their campaign promises to their lobbyist and corporations who helped them win their elections by using "their money" to win....who by the way those lobbyist and corporations who are now apparently "individuals" according to the Supreme court are already rich???? What!!??? sick of winning by "money"..what about winning by telling the people "what your plan is"?..and not wanting to win so you can start "in on the ranting again" looking towards your next election???...and not using your opponent as your enemy and the finger pointing and constant bad mouthing them in order to about your "plan"?? Tell me your "plan" of what you plan to do to help this country!!? ...Show me your plan speak up!..I'm sorry but so far you haven't shown any plan but to go against the president in anything he that the only plan you have? that how we win elections now for our states???..hello there?  Anybody home?  How about a bit of compromising? You show your lack of maturity by "never" if rarely compromising in any way.  Where is this going to get us? Your not listening to the people who are NOT ranting and raving and "threatening" others all the time, you are not listening to the majority of the people in this country at all.  We vote but we are not yelling or threatening or being mean.  But we do exist...millions of us!  We are trying to be civil and tactful.  We are adults and we are grown ups.  It seems that you DO NOT CARE about any of us as individuals and our freedoms and rights and just because some of us are living in poverty does not mean we are "low life lazy bums"!! Buy a vowel or get a clue please!!

I'm tired with the name calling I want us to come together work things out..this is not a football game....this is real life...who cares if you "score" or not.  I don't care about that.  I just want you to do your jobs....okay? That would be so nice? Stop pointing fingers, work it out, get it together. Stop acting like children fighting in the school yard.

Drs. write letters and sign reasonable accommodation papers to HUD and I also wrote a letter stating "things" in very "tactful" but "the truth" ways in order for me to move up to the 3rd (top) floor apartment here...I have learned that the best defense is the "papertrail" and wtiness's

You can talk all you want and complain about things but following through with "actions" tells landlords you really are serious!  It's always worked for me since my divorce over 15 years ago and having no "back up" whatsoever" all those's been a rough road and when I had to "fight tactfully" for myself, I knew what I had to do and I knew I had to make a decision...was it worth it? Could I deal with hardly any sleep on a nightly basis on that bottom floor apartment?  Or would I do something about it, even though it seemed hopeless?  Well, I made it happen...problem was and still is, is that every time I have to "stand up for myself with no back up" and make it happen, it just sucks the life out of me and the stress level I go through takes months to recover.  Basic story of my life on a pretty regular basis all these years...and when you've got PTSD on top of it it's a true miracle (so I've been told) that I am still alive and living some kind of life.  But this time after renting little houses through the years and trying to stay alive and make enough money with "odd jobs" through the years due to my health issues, pushing myself to the max, mowing my large lawns with an old electric (cord) lawn mower because I am unable to use gas mowers (I wouldn't anyway we need to outlaw them and find other alternatives but we are so addicted to using gasoline for so long will we ever make the "change"?) climbing on the roofs of the houses I rented to sweep out all the leaves stuck in the gutter runs offs so the roof wouldn't cave in or leak.  Taking or how to fix anything"....I must admit a bit of joy upon seeing my landlord (in the past) drop by and saying he had no tools with him to fix what needed fixing and I opened up my large tapestry "sewing but really my "secret tool box"!  I never had to say anything or stand up for myself with that one,  other than to say "here help yourself to any of my tools I've got just about everything here!!...just had to open that tapestry stool lid tool box and watch his face turn to shock!  If I did end up having to buy a part and to fix something major myself or when I got on the roof tops and worked "manually" on getting the old wet leaves stuck in the gutter run on the roofs, well then I would usually take a chance every time and when I wrote my rent check out would deduct the amount I had to pay for a part or if I had to end up hiring someone and paying for them to fix something I would deduct that to and also put the receipt from the repair people and I would ask them to write what the problem was and what the repair cost and they would sign it and then I would put that in my rent I mailed off or dropped by the landlords place.  But I also remember all the times when I finally got it all "taken care of" I would just crumble and fall apart afterwards and cry my eyes out...knowing no one would see or hear me. So, now it's basically different and yet the "same" with housing.  How many times must I have to keep fighting for my rights?  I've lost count.  I have a hard time crying now..the tears start to come but then stop.  I am told I need to learn how to cry again.  It's a release.  I wish I could. My male friend now, he shares with me that he never realized how rough it is in the world as a single woman with no back up.  The manager woman just loves him here..and so now he see's how I am treated by her when I just ask for one simple thing to be repaired or stand up for myself and always  am "polite and tactful" about it and yet assertive if I have to.

I must tell you I never got one landlord to live up to their "threats of intimidation" to threaten to kick me out because they just didn't want to ever fix anything.  They all eventually would "see" what I am really made of despite how I looked on the "outside".  Never judge a book by it's cover is my motto!  I paid my rent always on time I always and still am a very good tenant!  Here in the county where I live they call these landlords "Slum landlords" i.e. they take advantage of  women living on their own knowing or "thinking" we women won't do anything about it out of our fear and intimidation by them.  Or they just don't want to do their jobs and lie about it.  I think most women that I've met through the years that rented and lived alone really were too afraid to do anything about their landlords "threats of intimidation"...I would always witness this and tell them that as long as we don't speak out it will continue, just like anything else in life that is just "wrong".  I learned to never show any "fear" when confronted by nasty helped a lot.  Only thing is I could write a book or make a movie just out of that part of my life through these many years. But I don't want to remember it too much.  But maybe it might make a difference in how so many single and divorced women on their own are treated here in this country.

I know all the stress and way too much physical work and constantly pushing myself beyond my physical capabilities contributed a great deal to my health issues getting worse through the years. So, now here I am living in housing through the county.  Having apartment inspections all the time, watching every penny I spend, not eating on some days because I am not well enough to go buy food or I have to wait until food stamp day the next month.  I hate using food stamps when I have to and I hate feeling like I am on probation or something.  I am beyond humiliated, but by nothing I've done.  I lay "low" and am always careful. I have no record of any kind and as many always say to me "you are so squeaky clean" and so you see that not all people living in poverty are drugs addicts or criminals or "lazy" as I have heard and "read" so many comment and say those kind of things over and over these days.  There are good, mature, responsible people living in poverty by the millions and trying their darn best to just survive and feeling humiliated by needing the help from our government.  I would rather go live in a tent up on some nice mountain and pick berries to eat on, then live like this!  But I know I wouldn't make it....but I could try to.   I want my freedom to be able to make it on my own again!  I tried so hard for so many many years to!  I gave it my all and more for so very long!

So, as usual back to the "constant" paperwork to "prove myself worthy" to the government "rules" and constant inspections and taking care of this and taking care of that and feeling so invaded of my privacy!  But, yes I am now on the 3rd floor and it's so quiet and all my neighbors down the "enclosed hallways" (it's like a New York type apartment) are so nice and they like me too....but you never know who's going to move out or "in" many have moved out of here of late, as it used to be a retirement apartment complex...but since HUD took over a few years ago, many of the much older senior citizen have decided to move out and frankly I don't blame them.  It used to be so different all these years living here now it's not the same for them.  I miss all of them...but I've got a great view and I fought long and hard to move up here (even though they only gave me one day to move and clean, all my friends here brought my stuff up here on their walkers from my bottom floor apartment and the manager who tried to "intimidate me" and say there was "no problem with the man making noise above me all night" watched us all slim, fragile with walkers get my stuff up there...and my male friend here helped with a few heavy things..I don't have much.  I moved in here with just my TV and computer and a futon to sleep on and I was rewarded with a nice bed and other nice things as time went on!  So, I fought the "good fight" without ever raising my voice and I made it happen! Too bad most of my life since single it has been this way.  But at least now I have not had to mow any more lawns or do repair work (well maybe a few things from time to time at least I know how to a bit) or get up on the roof to manually sweep out the crappy muddy "ancient" leaves out of the roof gutter...that was hard to do!  It's been almost two years now that I have not had to do so much manual labor on yards, etc..etc..etc.  We have an elevator and I use it when I shop for groceries and use my basket with wheels to put all the bags in...and when I take my trash out. But I try to go up and down the stairs when I can.  I make myself so I can try to keep my muscles working.  I also love to walk but my damaged foot is "permanent' from my fall about a year and half ago.  I just found out it's permanent and I need to get special shoes and foot gel pad things for my foot.  I also was just diagnosed with "osteo-arthritis" and was told that my falls have "escalated" this condition ten fold. Now at least I know though I must admit I am a bit stunned about this...I was so used to the chronic pain I didn't know any better! Ha...I deal with pain well I'm's par for the course...I don't mind it as long as it's not acute!  Dr. told me I'm a trooper when he did the scans and showed me all the damage.  He said I've lived more than "a cats nine lives" and I said "yes I do believe this is true, but I am still here"!

As Elton John said in his song "I'm still standing"...yeppers you bet...I just wish I had more time to enjoy life and be creative again.  That is who I am...I've lost it..not enough time...somehow I must find it again.  I will get there I know I will.  Being pulled in so many different directions in order to "take care of it all" I hope that soon life will calm down for me.  I see more calm and peaceful days and "acceptance" for me come the new Chinese New year, the year of "the Metal Rabbit" which is exactly what I will be my year come February 3rd, 2011!

Calling all angels, for the help I always need from them...and I know higher power and my special guardian angels are always looking out for me...I feel's so weird I know but I just always feel it.

All for my "life as it is"!

P.S. sorry if some of this post is not written in a "flowing" way and might confuse you a bit.....I'm just letting off some steam and really don't feel like correcting it...took enough time just writing to make something to let's see I think I have some milk and cereal left before food shopping day.  Can't wait to get to the pantry on the first Monday of next month.  Most of the things they have are expired and some of it "blue" with mold but there are a few things I will find...canned beans...bread and pasta.