Sunday, February 24, 2013

The last 6 months so many things have happened in my life.  Having to put my cat "Lizzie" to sleep on Nov. 27th, then apartment inspection the very next day, then I got the bad flu right after that, that lasted for over 6 weeks through the whole holidays. I have been so broken hearted about losing my cat.  She was my "only kid". I suffered a great loss. She was the only "constant" in my life all these years.  I went through my grief and cried and mourned her loss. Now it's getting better.  I see my "Lizzie" now as a twinkling star in the night sky. I found myself "envisioning" this during mediation.  I've felt a lot better since that. Whenever I think of her now, I see her in my minds eye as a twinkling star in the night sky. 

They have had one apartment inspection after another from the beginning of November, continuing to mid February. Every time I turned around I was finding "24 hr notices of entry for inspection" from county housing. 6 Inspections in the last 4 months!  I called them a few times saying " we have rights we can' t keep going through this with not knowing what time of day and waiting all day, we need to shower, bathe, sleep, eat, use the bathroom, go to the store to have food, etc.. and rest in between.  We were not "given that option" I told them we were all very stressed about all this. Many of us are disabled I said. We are thinking about writing up a petition that "Legally" they are only allowed to have "two inspections" per year to enter our apartments, as that is what it states in the county housing lease we've all signed..  There are people I've known since I moved here have moved within the last week. They said they just couldn't "take all the stress and lack of privacy anymore".  I so understand that. One person told me as they left, "I feel like I'm bound in chains in a prison".   I was stunned to hear someone say this outloud as it's the way I've felt in the last year or so with whats going on here in these apartments where I live, but I never said it outloud. However I did write it in my journal. I shall miss my dear friends leaving, but at same time, glad they had that "option" to do so. I've looked into "options" but found they would not be affordable. There is stuff going on here, many things, where I live, and it's hard to explain and I don't have the energy. Suffice to say I'm worn "to the bone" and completely, exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. My Dr. kept wanting me to come in every month, since I've lost weight and not been able to gain any of it back, since so much stress in my life. Last Drs. appt. my blood pressure finally went back down to normal, after 6 months of it going up up and up!  Most of my adult life, my blood pressure has never been even close to being high, as it's usually a bit too low. So, my Dr. was concerned, between that and no weight gain.  I did try to explain to her that I felt it was all the "stress going on in my life", "stress induced".  So, last time at Drs. appt. we all were very happy to see my blood pressure finally go back to normal. I told my Dr. I had made an "alter table" and was trying to get back to the meditation I used to do for so many years. Its' not been easy as I feel my life is being controlled by "the system" so I cannot "pick or chose" when I feel up to taking care of something or have "free will". She gets this as we've talked about it a lot. So, my Dr. seeing my blood pressure finally go down, she said it told her that it was "stress induced" along with my weight loss. I did gain one lb! Ha ha. As when very stressed with so much to do or take care of, I will completely lose my appetite. That's the way stress affects me, along with my medical issues worsening. I know this is what is going on.  My life is not what I would chose it to be, and I have tried with everything in me to de-stress, but I don't feel I'm given a choice in the matter. I 'm dirt poor and don't even have enough income for enough food per month. I am doing the best I can and more. To live on survival mode for far too long. Please understand that there are many in this country of ours that go through the same as I do and am. And many are women on their own, without any support frame. We try to be supportive of one another.  It has taken it's toll on me. I try to stay as positive as I can. Of late I have felt like a dart board, with arrow darts coming at me from every direction.  "Bullseye". 

So now my Father is dying and this has been going on the past few weeks. I feel he has been fighting and "struggling" with tooth and nail against "death" and this is why he would refuse to go to the hospital, being so stubborn about it for the last few years. As he thought once he went into the hospital he would never get out, or ever come back home. He turned out to be right.  About a month ago, when he finally said "call 911 it's time" I feel he has finally made peace with himself and "acceptance" to "let go".  The struggle he went through not wanting to get the proper help he needed burdened my older sister and my mother to the point of incredible stress and my sister constantly driving my mother and father back and fourth, to Dr. appts. the store, etc..etc. for many years now.  Her husband and sons have helped her with this also. Neither my mother nor father can drive anymore. I feel none of this had to happen the way it has and "did" if only my father had not been so stubborn, angry at everyone who was trying to help him, yelling at them, going into a panic, and lashing out at the same people that were trying to help him. 

So, now my father no longer has that "fight" in him to be the control freak, go into "anger panic" taking it out on everyone else and stressing them out daily, lashing out at family members "only" as he never shows "his mean side" to the outside world. That would make him look "bad" and so the family members (including me) only go through it and the others around him have no clue of his horrific verbal abuse at my older sister and mother, during this time, while they did everything for him. My father has always been a weak man "inside" and his life story is not an easy one. We never learned how bad his childhood was, as he never shared it with anyone. We just know it must have been really really bad, and how it has affected his whole life. He never sought therapy or help about it. Yet at times I know he was there for me while growing up when no one else in my family was. Yes, he was a drunk most of his adult life, until about 10 years ago. he used to be a heavy smoker for so many years also.  We inhaled my mother and fathers cigarette smoke in the house, the whole time growing up. I had asthma attacks in the middle of the night (as a child) all the time from their smoking. Well, they both finally quit smoking after we kids were grown up adults and moved out of the house. Life is strange how things go. I know there has been so very much emotional and physical pain, with all family members, due to my father's behavior "patterns". Sometimes the angriest, most stubborn intimidators will live much longer than thought, just by sheer will.  Yet in the last few weeks I have started remembering the "softer sides" of my father and the special connection he had with me, that I know he did not have with anyone else in the family. He was a Pisces like me. Pisces is a feminine sign and I know how hard it was for him to make friends, as he had that "sensitive side" to him, and showed it to me more than anyone else. We used to have "night sky backyard talks" as I would call them. He would share very interesting things with me about  his thoughts about the Universe and "life" and I know we had similar opinions on politics and democracy, then my mother and two sisters did. They were very different and still are in that respect, than my father and .

It's weird this whole thing right now. I kind of feel like I am in the "twilight zone" talking to my older sister "Karen" and my Mother on the phone almost daily about my "Dads' updates" and giving them all the info and support I can.  To be honest with you I (and probably a few of my former therapist through the years) am completely surprised at how this sad thing happens, how  Karen and my mother and I are "bonding".  I never never never never would have thought it would happen to my dying day.  I wouldn't be surprised if they feel the same. I talked with my Dr. about trying to get down there, but she said physically and financially its not possible.  She also feels I am pretty fragile and so stressed out "beyond my limitations".   I do feel this is true, though I hate to admit it. My hope is when all this is over and said and done, that maybe in the late spring I might find a way to get down there to "bond and heal" with some family members. My car sure wouldn't make it (it's so old and been hanging in there with me for so long!) and the gas is so expensive I have no way to be able to pay for a car trip. I also would not be able to drive that far with just myself.  I know as my Dr. said.  You see I've not had any "back up' for so long, yet I have been the "back up" for my younger sister and some other people in my life on and off for many years. People keep thinking I have some kind of "back up" they don't  get it. I don't want to  explain or defend myself to them.  It's a waste of my energy and time. They do not understand. So, my mother and Karen will talk about this down the road, when we are all on a "different path" as my Dad slowly makes peace with life and death....we know our lives will change also.

So, now I keep wondering "what's next"? Nothing I hope...because I want and "deserve" to have a life of some sort!

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